I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to actually understand people. And I don't mean this is a depressing "i dont understand the world" dramatic kind of way. I'm just starting to realize how socially awkward I am. I get along with almost no one, find myself spending way more then an average amount of time explaining thoughts I see as being simple, No day spent around people is ever as good as the day's I spend alone, and essays expressing my opinions? forget it, I might as well string along a collection of random thoughts and no one would see the connections I make in things. It's like my thought process is on a different wave length. And again I don't mean it in a "i'm so cool and different" artistic way, I mean it in a this is effecting my life in a negative way, way.
Last time my dad was in town he must have said "damn, your cold" about 30 times. And I never got it, I'm not being cold or hurtful I'm just being honest and inquisitive. To me it makes perfect sense to send old boyfriends quotes from an evolutionary psychology book that gives reasons for fuck up's we both made.
But way to often I can see facial expressions completely change because of the words that come out of my mouth and I have no idea how to fix it. Sometimes I think I get it, and I try to say something that will at least give some humanity to a co-worker or classmate and they just stare at me like they have no idea what I am.
To the relationships I want to work, like ones that give me benefit of some kind, I just learn to laugh and smile and have energy. I don't say much . I'm starting to think I should become a cat lady.
